I have exactly 40 minutes until the door bursts open and the sounds of my precious children fill the house. My name will be said 27 times in the first ten minutes. I will have countless papers thrust under my nose, even though they know it has to be across the room for me to read it, unless I have on my glasses! I am never ready for the first 10 minutes, I wish I was. There is something unsettling to me about going from 0-60 in a second. Maybe, I enjoy my chaos free days too much. Bad selfish Mommy!
Our kids had Maryland State Assessments last week in school. Matt is as much on grade level as one can be with an adapted curriculum. He has been told repeatedly by his school social worker how smart he is (the leader of the class), but the problem is, he believes he is and needs to be perfect. He does well, but because he argues with me when I correct his homework ("that's not the way my teacher showed me"), and is reduced to tears when he makes an error, I avoid feeding into his academic perceptions of himself. We just deal with the facts. I guess the fifth grade test was more difficult then he thought it should be. His anxiety was through the roof all week and he reverted back to stealing other kids toys.
Ellie took the test for the first time this year. Chronologically, she should be in the third grade, thus was given the third grade test as per State guidelines. The only problem is she is working on a first grade level! In addition her teacher was out all week! She was beyond a mess!! I did feel sorry for her, she couldn't help but be frustrated. Am I wrong to think that my kids were abused by the State last week?
I have been slowly knocking out little projects in the house. We do not have one room in our house all the way completed. Though I blame Mickey, most of it is my fault. I get bored and leave a wall half unpainted (the kids play room, office, dining room, and kitchen!). I bought a pattern and material to make both kids bathrobes. I finished Matt's and Ellie's lays here almost done! You get the picture. To my credit, last week I completely painted (oops, except for all of the trim) the kids rooms. I did finish the trim in the upstairs hallway and stairs. My goal is to have two rooms completely completed by Spring Break. Wish me luck!
My objective in life has always been to be more organized. I am better, because I have to be, but there is definitely room for improvement. My friend Mary is a domestic diva. I hate her. Her house is always spotless, she never has a dish in the sink, her laundry is always done, there isn't so much as a piece of mail in sight. Her kids clothes are always changed over for the seasons weeks before mine are, and she has gotten rid of what doesn't fit! Her yard is spotless as well, she finds time to plant and tend to flowers. Her pool is opened or closed weeks before ours, etc, etc, etc!!! Okay, I'm not type A, at all. I do know how to manage my daily chores, sort of, but adding in cleaning windows, changing clothes over, planting flowers???
Now my darlings are home. Matt has managed to thrust 4 papers at me plus a prescription. Gotta love having the P-Doc at school! So now the games begin....
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Drama
We had a terrible therapy session tonight. All of Mickey's buttons were pushed by Ellie, again. Ellie went to school a few weeks ago and told someone that Mickey hit her in the head. The therapist called to find out if it was true. Of course it wasn't, and we were believed. This is the first time that she has claimed abuse, but honestly we have just been waiting for it to happen. I have said for years that I need to have paperwork together for the day CPS shows up at our door. She used to have such screaming fits that we would go outside on the porch so the neighbors wouldn't think we were beating her to death. The new AT was great tonight and said that we could give anyone his phone number and he would confirm that she lies and is in treatment. He said that he has dealt with this issue before, and it is always dropped.
Tonight in therapy Ellie told us that she was taken to the principal's office and she told her that Mommy had hit her in the head. Mickey used to work at this school, and she has seen people lose their jobs because of unfounded accusations. Her greatest fear is that, as the only bread winner in the family she will be investagated and lose her job at her current school. Unfortunately she has also said this in front of Ellie and Matt. Now I'm worried because her knowing is just like giving her a loaded gun----yikes!!
This kid is so complicated. She has never gone a day in her life without crying. It is almost never real, but incredibly annoying. As long as nothing is asked or expected of her she is great. The minute she needs to take responsibility, everything becomes a battle. She is the queen of passive-aggressive behaviors. She will complete half a task and swear she did it all. She will even list the steps that she did them. The rules in our house have not changed in 5 years, yet she 'forgets'. She will take an hour to do her homework incorrectly that she can do in 10 minutes correctly. She is manipulating the Aides in her classroom (she can't get over on her teacher) AND her teacher is out all week. Whenever she comes home with a perfect pointsheet, instead of feeling proud, I wonder who she got over on.
In some ways I am still mourning that we have not gotten further after 6 1/2 years. I really want to enjoy my daughter! We are finally really enjoying Matt, he has healed so much. He gives hugs when he gets up in the morning, when he gets home from school, and just because. He now spontaneously appologizes for his behavior, even when he has not had a consequence. He thanks us for simple things. He is asking to spend time with us appropriately.
We totally can not parent Ellie the same way we parent Matt. We have been doing a lot of feeling work with both of them. We sort of hijacked the format for J.'s blog and are having them journal every night. Matt hates it but has been a trooper about being honest. Ellie not so much. We are trying so hard to do the right things for her, but she is fighting us tooth and nail. She came home to me 5 days before her 2nd birthday. It still baffles my mind that she can still be so screwed up. She has never missed a meal in 6 1/2 years, yet still believes that she will not eat again. She desperately wants to be a baby, and have no responsibility. She was a baby when I got her. I changed her diapers, bathed her, put a bib on her and fed her chopped food. I gave her a bottle every night as she fell asleep on my chest. I toilet trained her (that was a trip!). For a year and a half after she was toilet trained I still wiped her little hynie. For the last few years she has refused to use toilet paper. Finally, a month ago she got an UTI, it was only a matter of time. We talked about natural consequences, the Peditrician talked to her about natural consequences. Guess who still refuses to wipe herself or flush the toilet? I know, I know never care more about your child's issues more than she does, but I am still a parent (plus I have to soak those nasty panties). We tried to have her do the panties, but honestly it is a royal pain to have her do it.
Okay, I hear you talking to me, unless it is that damn voice in my head again... I'll have her soak the panties. Really that is how I toilet trained her. She was in Daycare at the time, and was totally toilet trained there. As soon as she came home she would pee or poop herself. She would sit on that potty chair forever... in the living room watching Bear in the Big Blue House Potty videos....and do nothing. As soon as her clothes were back on she would go, everytime. Finally, I hauled her little hind parts into the bath tub. I held open a plastic bag and had her take off her own soiled clothes. She screamed, she cried, she did NOT want to touch them. Then I would turn on the water and make her stand and clean herself with a washcloth. She screamed, she cried, but it only took twice before she used the toilet everytime! I guess not dealing with her own waste is still an issue, or she would use toilet paper. It always improves during the summer, because she can't use our pool with dirty hind parts.
She still wants a parade if she uses the bathroom correctly. "Are you soooo proud of me?"
Calgon take me away........
Tonight in therapy Ellie told us that she was taken to the principal's office and she told her that Mommy had hit her in the head. Mickey used to work at this school, and she has seen people lose their jobs because of unfounded accusations. Her greatest fear is that, as the only bread winner in the family she will be investagated and lose her job at her current school. Unfortunately she has also said this in front of Ellie and Matt. Now I'm worried because her knowing is just like giving her a loaded gun----yikes!!
This kid is so complicated. She has never gone a day in her life without crying. It is almost never real, but incredibly annoying. As long as nothing is asked or expected of her she is great. The minute she needs to take responsibility, everything becomes a battle. She is the queen of passive-aggressive behaviors. She will complete half a task and swear she did it all. She will even list the steps that she did them. The rules in our house have not changed in 5 years, yet she 'forgets'. She will take an hour to do her homework incorrectly that she can do in 10 minutes correctly. She is manipulating the Aides in her classroom (she can't get over on her teacher) AND her teacher is out all week. Whenever she comes home with a perfect pointsheet, instead of feeling proud, I wonder who she got over on.
In some ways I am still mourning that we have not gotten further after 6 1/2 years. I really want to enjoy my daughter! We are finally really enjoying Matt, he has healed so much. He gives hugs when he gets up in the morning, when he gets home from school, and just because. He now spontaneously appologizes for his behavior, even when he has not had a consequence. He thanks us for simple things. He is asking to spend time with us appropriately.
We totally can not parent Ellie the same way we parent Matt. We have been doing a lot of feeling work with both of them. We sort of hijacked the format for J.'s blog and are having them journal every night. Matt hates it but has been a trooper about being honest. Ellie not so much. We are trying so hard to do the right things for her, but she is fighting us tooth and nail. She came home to me 5 days before her 2nd birthday. It still baffles my mind that she can still be so screwed up. She has never missed a meal in 6 1/2 years, yet still believes that she will not eat again. She desperately wants to be a baby, and have no responsibility. She was a baby when I got her. I changed her diapers, bathed her, put a bib on her and fed her chopped food. I gave her a bottle every night as she fell asleep on my chest. I toilet trained her (that was a trip!). For a year and a half after she was toilet trained I still wiped her little hynie. For the last few years she has refused to use toilet paper. Finally, a month ago she got an UTI, it was only a matter of time. We talked about natural consequences, the Peditrician talked to her about natural consequences. Guess who still refuses to wipe herself or flush the toilet? I know, I know never care more about your child's issues more than she does, but I am still a parent (plus I have to soak those nasty panties). We tried to have her do the panties, but honestly it is a royal pain to have her do it.
Okay, I hear you talking to me, unless it is that damn voice in my head again... I'll have her soak the panties. Really that is how I toilet trained her. She was in Daycare at the time, and was totally toilet trained there. As soon as she came home she would pee or poop herself. She would sit on that potty chair forever... in the living room watching Bear in the Big Blue House Potty videos....and do nothing. As soon as her clothes were back on she would go, everytime. Finally, I hauled her little hind parts into the bath tub. I held open a plastic bag and had her take off her own soiled clothes. She screamed, she cried, she did NOT want to touch them. Then I would turn on the water and make her stand and clean herself with a washcloth. She screamed, she cried, but it only took twice before she used the toilet everytime! I guess not dealing with her own waste is still an issue, or she would use toilet paper. It always improves during the summer, because she can't use our pool with dirty hind parts.
She still wants a parade if she uses the bathroom correctly. "Are you soooo proud of me?"
Calgon take me away........
Monday, March 16, 2009
Blogging
I am finally ready to begin, I think.
We are a two mom family, in our early 40's. We have four children, ages 8-21. We took Ashleigh in when she was 18, and still a Sr. in HS. She was in special needs school because of severe anxiety and depression, intellectually she is a genius. She has a full time job and her own apartment. Lee has never lived with us full time. He was a 15 year old teenager living in a group home, when he started coming home with us for holidays. That turned into weekends, various nights of the week etc. He now is ready to transition out of independent living, and will probably end up here since he can't afford an apartment on his own.
That brings us to the 11 and 8 year olds. Matt and Ellie are biological brother and sister. Before my partner, Mickey and I met, I was fostering Ellie and she had Matt. Ellie was 2 years old at the time, and I didn't want her to forget her brother. The worker did not arrange visits and did not give us any other information about the other child. We met in court, and exchanged information. The first sibling visit was a disaster for Matt. He had been very parentified, and expected Ellie to still be a baby who would sit and watch him play. Ellie was a curious toddler, who did not seem to remember Matt, and barely looked at him. A week later he threatened to kill Mickey in her sleep, and had his first Psych Hospitalization.
We waited 6 more months before scheduling another visit, and began sibling therapy. A few months after that, Mickey bought the house across the street from me. Eventually we got together, and I sold my house and moved across the street. I tell you more about us later.
Ellie and Matt were both diagnosed with ADHD and Mood d/o NOS. It wasn't until Ellie's first hospitalization at age 4 that we got the RAD diagnosis. Finally everything began to make sense!
**Cue large light bulb going off**
She loved the Hospital, and didn't want to have anything to do with us. She loved new staff coming in every 8 hours, activities all day, and being the 'pet' of the unit. Thankfully the P-doc, was able to identify RAD, and thus began the dance of two steps forward and one step back, that is RAD. Matt was diagnosed later that year.
Both kids attend non-public school for ED issues. Matt is on grade level, but Ellie is two years behind. If you put them side by side we have the poster children for RAD, El being 'disinhibited' and Matt fitting the characteristics of 'inhibited'. It is great fun!!
Our family also consists of two dogs and two cats. Our one dog has diabetes and gets insulin injections twice a day.
Before kids, I was an occupational therapist in the school system, now I am a stay at home Mom. Mickey teaches special needs teenagers construction. We thought we were prepared to parent special needs kids. Ha ha, roll on the floor laughing. We are best friends, and depend on each other to keep us sane. We actually have a deal that only one of us can lose it at a time. So far that has worked. We learned early on the techniques to not be 'split' or triangulated, and work to always be on the same page.
We just started with a new therapist, who specializes in RAD. We really like him and are hoping he will help us, especially with Ellie.
This is probably enough for my introduction. I'm glad I am going to have at least two followers. Thanks Dia and Grateful for encouraging me to begin!
We are a two mom family, in our early 40's. We have four children, ages 8-21. We took Ashleigh in when she was 18, and still a Sr. in HS. She was in special needs school because of severe anxiety and depression, intellectually she is a genius. She has a full time job and her own apartment. Lee has never lived with us full time. He was a 15 year old teenager living in a group home, when he started coming home with us for holidays. That turned into weekends, various nights of the week etc. He now is ready to transition out of independent living, and will probably end up here since he can't afford an apartment on his own.
That brings us to the 11 and 8 year olds. Matt and Ellie are biological brother and sister. Before my partner, Mickey and I met, I was fostering Ellie and she had Matt. Ellie was 2 years old at the time, and I didn't want her to forget her brother. The worker did not arrange visits and did not give us any other information about the other child. We met in court, and exchanged information. The first sibling visit was a disaster for Matt. He had been very parentified, and expected Ellie to still be a baby who would sit and watch him play. Ellie was a curious toddler, who did not seem to remember Matt, and barely looked at him. A week later he threatened to kill Mickey in her sleep, and had his first Psych Hospitalization.
We waited 6 more months before scheduling another visit, and began sibling therapy. A few months after that, Mickey bought the house across the street from me. Eventually we got together, and I sold my house and moved across the street. I tell you more about us later.
Ellie and Matt were both diagnosed with ADHD and Mood d/o NOS. It wasn't until Ellie's first hospitalization at age 4 that we got the RAD diagnosis. Finally everything began to make sense!
**Cue large light bulb going off**
She loved the Hospital, and didn't want to have anything to do with us. She loved new staff coming in every 8 hours, activities all day, and being the 'pet' of the unit. Thankfully the P-doc, was able to identify RAD, and thus began the dance of two steps forward and one step back, that is RAD. Matt was diagnosed later that year.
Both kids attend non-public school for ED issues. Matt is on grade level, but Ellie is two years behind. If you put them side by side we have the poster children for RAD, El being 'disinhibited' and Matt fitting the characteristics of 'inhibited'. It is great fun!!
Our family also consists of two dogs and two cats. Our one dog has diabetes and gets insulin injections twice a day.
Before kids, I was an occupational therapist in the school system, now I am a stay at home Mom. Mickey teaches special needs teenagers construction. We thought we were prepared to parent special needs kids. Ha ha, roll on the floor laughing. We are best friends, and depend on each other to keep us sane. We actually have a deal that only one of us can lose it at a time. So far that has worked. We learned early on the techniques to not be 'split' or triangulated, and work to always be on the same page.
We just started with a new therapist, who specializes in RAD. We really like him and are hoping he will help us, especially with Ellie.
This is probably enough for my introduction. I'm glad I am going to have at least two followers. Thanks Dia and Grateful for encouraging me to begin!
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